Saturday, April 7, 2012

Hem me in: what alcohol and shorter pants have in common this Easter weekend

I'm a light-weight.  I hate getting drunk, but if you give me a drink it's inevitable.  One drink and I don't drive, two drinks and you'll know my life story, three drinks and I'm gone, incoherent, and have shared the most intimate and not-so-secret-anymore details of my life.  I really know I've stepped over the line when my loving husband stands up, takes me by my shoulders and says, "We're getting up, don't say anything."  When he says this, my first inclination is to say everything.  But since I never go past drink 3 I still have a few inhibitions about me and bite my lip, even though my tongue is ready to tell all of Holland House my secrets.  Though I wish I could say I am just a funny drunk, I think I'm more of an uncomfortable one.  (Mom, if you're reading this, when I refer to myself as a drunk, to what I'm really referring are the 5 times I've been drinky this year.  "Drinky" is a state and an adjective, whereas "Drunk" is a lifestyle decision.  I merely chose drunk for hyperbolic reasons).

No one in my extended family drinks alcohol or eats pork.  It's a religious and health decision, which I respect, but do not observe.  Naturally, my 3 drinks a week make me feel like a rebel, going where few dare go in my family.  And what I really mean is that I feel slightly guilty for my 3 drinks a week and if I ate pork, too, I am sure the guilt over such decisions might engulf me.  If you ask me, I chose the more fun of the evils.  Somebody, hem me in!

When I entitled this blog "Hem me in," the only thing I could think to write about was alcohol.  And unless you want to liken cutting out the unnecessary length on your pants to getting rid of the sin in your life, making life "fit" the way it should, I don't think pants and alcohol have that much in common (however, it is highly recommended that you wear them while drinking).  But I'm going to take this moment, on this Easter weekend, to say that I was saved by grace, that no amount of Manhattans or Sazeracs can separate me from the love of Jesus Christ.  I'd like to say that salvation is a gift from God and that Jesus on the cross was sufficient for my salvation--He appeased the wrath of God, a wrath that I cannot appease without Him.  Imperfect as they may be, I guess you could say my pants fit afterall.

However, if your pants are still a bit too long and you don't want to wear nine inch heels to keep them from dragging on the ground or pay $20 to have them altered, we have an easy remedy: hemming them at home.

Following are 6 easy steps to shorter pants:

Step 1: try on your pants and roll them up to your desired length.  Mark the length with a pen or chalk

Step 2: begin cutting 1.5 inches below your mark.

Step 3: cut off the bottom hem of your pants.

Step 4: line up the inseam on your pants and the hem you just cut off.  You may hold the pieces in place with pens.  

Step 5: sew along the existing hem with thread the color of your jeans.  After you have attached the bottom hem to your pants, pull on the new hem until you see the original stitching.

Step 6: Iron and lightly starch your hem.
 Have a lovely time in your properly proportioned pants--get drinky, not drunk. Drive/don't drive responsibly.   


Lori said...

Wow!!! That's awesome!! So, you actually have the original hem on your jeans - which is so much better than a "homemade" hem. Love it!!!

Jill Hirst said...

you are AWESOME Miss Crystal! :) As a girl who has been hemming pants all my life, I just LOVE this... but mostly I LOVE your testimony, cuz it is mine as well!!! :)

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