Sunday, February 12, 2012

Gee, Brandon. Your wife is so snotty.

Whilst on a transcontinental treck, Meagan
and I found this book at a thrift store.  
We had finished it by Nebraska.
It was the best, most awful book I've ever read.
And it is highly recommended.  

Had I listened to my own advice I wouldn’t have had the time to write this blog.  “What was this grand mistake you made? And can I make it?” you might wonder.  Well, friends, I can tell you right now, it’s not the key to more time in your day.  I wore my body down, ate brownies instead of broccoli, and denied I was getting ill instead of facing the truth and fighting that nasty virus with my righteous proteins and a few Zzzz’s.  Yes.  The bad guy won.  And I paid big time.  And by big time I mean I’ve been in bed for almost a week now and still sound like a man.   Not fancy.  In fact, the fanciest part of my week was when I was hunched over a pot of boiling water because my lungs were closing and I realized that some women pay good money to have their pores opened like this (and, naturally, a facial ensued).  
If you work for a big company, chances are good that you look forward to your sick days--they’re like paid vacations where you get to watch movies and eat chicken noodle soup.  However, if you’re like me (and I am assuming you are because we fancy poor girls have a tendency to work for mom and pops that only pay you when you show up to work--and little at that), you are your own benefactor on a sick day.  Few work days may be spared.   And that’s the price you pay for the beautiful life you live.  
So, the best way to avoid sick days is not to get sick.  You can do this by drinking plenty of water, getting 8 hours of sleep every night (preferably, between the hours of 10 pm and 6 am--not kidding.  It’s most bodies’ natural, healthy rhythm), exercising, eating your veggies, proteins, fruits, good fats, and proper carbs; and shying away from sugar, alcohol, coffee, dairies, and any grains your body may have an aversion to.  Simple? Yes.  Easy? No. Possible? Possibly.  This proves especially difficult for a fancy girl who rarely turns down the opportunity to live and be marry, who, had she her druthers, would treat herself to wine and artisan cheeses daily, who begins every day with a cup of her favorite, locally roasted, single origin coffee and a breakfast cookie, and dreams about a bar full of olive varietals.  I mean, really, why have an island when you can have the world?  Consequently, sometimes all of the fun you’ve had just ends in a big, snotty mess.  And this is the price you pay for the beautiful life you live.
However, if you feel your body is shutting down there are a few, cheap things you can do to stave off that nasty illness.  The more of these you do, the better.  If you’re on a major budget, just purchase the alliums and lemons. 
  1. Remember, the first step to recovery is recognition.  To be honest, this is the one I have the most trouble with.  I will deny I am becoming ill until I am in bed and very sick.  I’m like the little kid who hides from his dad by covering his eyes.  
  2. After the initial recognition has been made, drop everything you’re doing and run to the store.  Grab the following: 2 onions, a clove of garlic, dark leafy greens, lemons, chicken drumsticks, broth (msg free), and noodles or rice.
  3. When you return home, you’ll want a cookie because your body is exhausted and wants a quick pick-me-up from the sugar.  Don’t do it.  That cookie will land you in bed all week.  Instead, shun the cookies and bread and pull out an onion.
  4. Cut off the top of the onion and hollow out the middle.  Fill the inside with water and place in the stove.  Turn the oven to 350 (it does not need to preheat) and bake for 15 minutes.  Drink the onion water.
  5. Next, eat an entire clove of garlic. (you can swallow it whole if you are able or chop it up into manageable pieces.
  6. After your garlic, if you are able, go to bed immediately and sleep for as long as you can.
  7. When you awake, make hot lemon water, using an entire lemon.  Drink this and eat the seeds.
  8. Drink a lot of water.  A lot.  
  9. If you are up to it, make chicken soup.  
  10. If you’re still hungry eat your dark, leafy greens
  11. Then repeat steps 5-8 as many times as needed, with a minimum of 3 times per day.  
  12. Go live your life because you’re better!!!!!!!!


MotherMaggie said...

Good advice woven into some very clever prose! As an aside, I believe the onion water and garlic clove can serve the dual purpose of not only helping you heal, but also keeping others away from you while you are the most contagious. Love your writing, Crystal.

Crystal said...

haha. true, true. But those alliums sure do the trick when it comes to fighting an imbalance.

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